Short Retarded Stories
by Cestia Potter
Summary: Funny Stories. WARNING! Includes Dumbledore as a cheerleader, Scary Mayo, A rabid Pineapple and much more! .
1. Default Chapter

Number one in a series of short stories.  
  
Harry's Boggart  
  
Voldemort had captured Harry Potter, and was holding him captive in his lair. Harry had been tortured with spells but not killed yet. Voldemort was about to do the worst torture possible: He was going to give Harry a Boggart and torture him with his fear.  
Voldemort had found the boggart in a cupboard in his lair. When it saw Voldemort, it turned into his greatest fear, but luckily for Voldemort, nobody was around. He didn't want anyone to know that his greatest fear was mayonnaise.  
He shook the thought out of his head and carried the suitcase with the boggart to his torture chamber. When he stepped inside, he saw Harry screaming from his latest torture method, watching videos of a muggle dinosaur, Barney. Harry was singing, mesmerized, "I love you...You love me...." Voldemort turned off the tape.  
"Ok Potter, prepare for the worst torture! A boggart! Lets see what your worst fear is!"  
He opened the trunk. Out came something much worse than Barney: A PREPPY CHEERLEADER!  
"hog-war-ts Go Hogwarts! Go, go, go Hogwarts!  
"NOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed.  
Voldemort screamed too. This was much worse than mayonnaise. This was now his worst fear.  
"We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit, how 'bout you?"  
"MAKE IT STOP!" Voldemort said. The cheerleader did three flips and landed at Voldemort's feet.  
"Hey Voldie, lets give a cheer!!" This was too much for Voldemort. He died of fright. The cheerleader laughed, then went to untie Harry.  
"You aren't a Boggart." He said. The cheerleader took off her wig and long silver hair fell out. "Dumbledore!" Harry said, amazed. Dumbledore smiled and kissed Harry. Harry fainted.  
  
REVIEW!! Please?? Even if its bad! ANY REVIEW WELCOME!! 


	2. Harry Potter and the Rabid Pineapple

Harry Potter and the Rabid Pineapple  
  
One day at the Dursleys, Harry was set the horrible task of cleaning out Dudley's second refrigerator in his room.(A.N Yes he has a fridge in his room) There were several disgusting things in there, but nothing was as gross as a pineapple in the very back of the fruit drawer. It was pulsating nastily and looked like it was alive. When Harry reached for it, the pineapple opened its mouth and attempted to bite his hand off. Harry jumped back and landed hard on the floor. The pineapple lunged for him and sank its ( I don't know what to call them so..) teeth into Harry's lower arm. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A RABID PINEAPPLE!!!!!!!" he shouted as he ran around the room. First, he grabbed Dudley's old air rifle ad tried to hit it off. It only bit harder. He threw his arm against the bedpost and it dropped off. Harry rached under Dudley's bed and grabbed something. "AHA!!" he yelled triumphantly. "DON'T MOVE! I HAVE A FOOD PROCESSOR AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!!!!!!" The Evil Pineapple hesitated. Just then, Aunt Petunia banged open the door. "What are you doing in here??" she shouted. "You are going to get the neighbors talking!" She looked at Harry, who was crouching in a kind of Kung-Fu stance holding a food processor, and then at a perfectly ordinary pineapple sitting about three feet from him. "I was attacked by a pineapple!!" said Harry. "You freak! It's a normal pineapple!" she said, he nostrils flaring. "It may look normal, but deep down, its PURE EVIL!!!!" Harry screamed. Just then, Dudley waddled in. He looked around with interest. "Mom, is he finished yet?" he whined. "I want to watch T.V. Hey, a pineapple!" He reached for it. The pineapple lunged at him and bit his finger. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Dudley was screaming. He started jumping up and down. The floor shook. Finally, he crashed through the floor into the kitchen. Aunt Petunia screamed. "Dinky Diddy-Dums!!!" she yelled. She ran down the stairs to him. Harry still stood in the same stance. All of a sudden Harry falls to the ground. "AAAAAAAA!!! CRAMPS!!!!!" Finis So, was that painful?? I wrote that off the top of my head. Carl: I helped! Cestia: No you didn't you were too busy helping Schmoe. Carl: Oh yeah.. Schmoe: CARL!! I WANT WATERMELON!!! Carl: Bye, I'm being paged Cestia: waves Oh yeah, for those of you who don't know, CARL AND SCHMOE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!! I'm gonna be a grandma, I'm gonna be a grandma!!!!! REVIEW!!! 


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